So It's been a while since I last blogged, I haven't been too busy-just too lazy. I had my 3rd child, Gavin Nathaniel Speaks on July 25th at 4:04pm. My birth was quick and though not painless, every moment was worth it. For those of you that were following the news regarding Gavin's heart, it was fine. The hole closed itself up and his heart is beating completely regularly. He was a healthy 8lbs. 14oz and 21 inches long at 9 days "overdue". He is a fabulous baby and was already sleeping 5 hours at night before he was a week old. I am blessed for sure.
The real reason I thought to blog tonight though is because it can be so therapeutic. I chose to breast feed Gavin as I did with both of my girls. With them I dried up both times at almost 3 weeks on the dot. With Eden I chalked it up to being a first time mom, not drinking enough fluids and an irregular diet. Then with Addy I wasn't able to actually breast feed her because of her starting out in NICU. I could only pump and so when I dried up again I assumed that was why. I was determined that it would be different. I kept up on my fluids, ate well and was even pumping an additional 12-16 ounces daily in excess of what Gavin was eating.
I started noticing yesterday that I was not pumping the 6-8 ounces extra (3-4 times daily) that I had been. By this morning I was down to just 4 ounces so I ate like a hog all day in hopes that I had just not had enough caloric intake. I texted a friend and she was very encouraging. I called and made an appointment with a Lactation consultant to see if there was anything I could do to change what seemed to be the inevitable. By this evening when I went to feed Gavin he nursed for nearly an hour and I still had to give him a bottle with an additional 2 ounces. I am a total wreck. It is beyond frustrating to do everything in your power to ensure you can nurse successfully and then not be able to. Obviously nursing is best for mom and baby. I have these two giant freaking boobs and I'm going to have to put my son on formula. I don't feel like a failure because I know that I did everything right. I just wish I could feed my son the way nature intended me to.
Oh by the way I'm so thrilled I spent $200 on a breast pump 2 weeks ago.
I know exactly how you feel. It seems as though our bodies were made for this very task; so why then would it be so hard to do it? I remember clearly, on the couch with just me and my little one both sobbing; her because she was hungry and me because I felt like my own biology had failed me. I cried and I prayed to God that he should allow me to rain milk lol. My husband thought I had really gone to lunch lol. He didn't understand how it could be so hard for me to give up something that was so painful and stressful...I couldn't let it go. I even tried nursing again every week or so. It is a wonderful experience to be able to provide and fulfill all our little one's needs. Unfortunately, our bodies don't always do as we want or expect and it just hurts worse to have people tell you you didn't try hard enough. I will be praying for you. Despite God not giving me the milk I felt I needed, he did provide a great comfort to me when I felt my body had betrayed both my child and I.
ReplyDeleteGirl, I feel for you! It has been over a year since having to have a c-section with Gage and I still question "why me, why could i, with a body meant to naturally deliver a child, not be able to do it?!?" I know alot of ppl say "oh c-section is the way to go!". And those same friends tried to talk me though my small mental breakdown at time of delivery. I still to this day feel as if I missed out on something as a woman, as a mother. And to be comeletly honest with you I find myself getting jealous of other mom's recent stories of such and such labor and deliveries still at 12 months later like I wish I had a story-terrible ;). But i guess what I'm telling you is it's completely normal to feel the way your feeling-especially with your jacked up hormones! wow guess I needed some therapy!?!?
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